Mayflower

Movies like Second Generation and books like The Namesake express the melancholic nature of disassociation, 'immigrant children' feel whilst growing up away from their parents' birthplace and ancestral homes. Where our parents and relatives back home, in our parents' country, like to remind us, how different and Westernized we are, they often refuse to see, at the core of our existence we do place a lot of importance to their cultural honour and entitlement. But our effort to be more accommodating to their values, and the struggle to find a balance between their culture and our culture often go unnoticed.

I think most of the second generation children try to evolve their own culture which is an amalgamation of both our parents' values, and the opportunities we are provided in the 'new world'. Regardless of what the misconception is, we are not out there to defy them. As explained in a previous post, the marriage procedure that I opted for, where I meet boys introduced by my parents (this may sound a bit whorish), and then get to know them is an example of finding that perfect balance between the custom my parents grew up with, and the dating scene my friends are a part of. However, I would be lying to myself if I said that the process didn't seem forced, or that I didn't wonder if I would ever be able to find someone who would take me as I am. I know the latter is a concern everyone has, regardless of their ethnicity, finding a partner who would accept them for who they are, and share their passion in life.

The hardest part might be the fact that I don't personally know anyone who is going through the same stuff as me, so I'm always trying to read about other people's experiences who were able to survive this excruciating process. I came across this blog entry, where the blogger kia explicitly mentioned details, about her arranged marriage ordeal, that I had never heard anyone talk about before. I was glad that someone had the courage to come out and discuss the 'taboo' things I have always wondered about.

http://www.kia-abdullah.com/files/suitableboy.pdf

For instance, she mentions that during the process, where she met numerous potentials, she found herself drawing comparisons between them, and picked the guy who was relatively better than the rest of the bunch.

She also points out, the events leading up to marriage become more about the families, and the rituals than the two people who are actually going to be building their lives together. And, that reality sinks in when all the wedding rituals are over, and you close that door, and find yourself alone with the person you have committed to love, for the rest of your life. I have always wondered how two strangers who have never held hands go about doing the deed on the first night, especially if it is the first time for both of them. So for the first time, I read about the awkwardness that ensues when two strangers are about to have the first real contact without any parental involvement and meddling.

Blogworthy: I'm What I Read

One of my New Year's resolutions is to write a weekly blog post about the articles, anything from the world wide web, which I found interesting. Yes, can't you tell I am single and I have no life :). So here's the first installment.

1. "The Power of Prayer" [The Wall Street Journal]

"Barack Obama mostly seems focused on ideological rather than denominational diversity. He chose Rick Warren, who opposes gay marriage, and then added Gene Robinson, the gay Episcopal bishop from New Hampshire, to pray at a morning service. He's also reportedly going to have a full range of faiths -- including Muslims and Jews -- at the prayer service the next day. But at the high-profile, official event -- the swearing in -- there will be just Rick Warren and Joseph Lowery, both Protestants."

Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony is on this Tuesday. Just an obvious pointer, in case you have been living in a cave for the past two years, and missed the news of America electing its first Black president. In my opinion, I think it is wrong to call him black. Because phenotypically he may look black, but genetically he is also half-white. This brings my attention to Pasha Malla. Malla wrote the following about racial terminology and assignment:

"When people ask me my "background," a common question, I've started telling them that I'm "half white." This usually proves inadequate, and sometimes disconcerting. Folks want to be able to categorize other people based on difference: knowing what you "are" will dictate how they can interact with you — and more importantly, what they can and can't say. My ambiguous response might seem snide, but I struggle to think how it's any different from people defining themselves as "half" whatever ethnic minority. Regardless the halves, I'm still neither one race nor the other."

Pasha Malla in this insightful article, "Self-portrait of a racist" points out, we are all racists. I actually agree with that. Malla kept a racist journal, and here are a few of his journal entries:

"…today I was sitting on the subway beside a black man. When he got off at his stop, I instinctively checked my pocket for my wallet."

"… at the movies I noticed a Middle Eastern-looking guy in line, wearing a backpack. For a moment, I second-guessed going into the theatre."

"… a Hasidic man cut in front of me at the grocery store. My thought was not: 'Asshole.' My thought was: 'Jew.' "

He continues:

"We often hear that racism is largely a result of ignorance — but I live in Toronto, with regular exposure to all races. If my journal is any indication, exposure to other cultures doesn't necessarily allay racist tendencies. Maybe part of the problem is that Toronto neighbourhoods are often divided along ethnic lines, so (with a few notable exceptions) there's little interaction between one cultural group and another. My only real communication with the city's Vietnamese population, for example, is when I order pho tai from one of their excellent restaurants."

Furthermore, judging by "Stuff White People Like" and the Onion, Obama is as "white" as they come. But going back to the inauguration article, I personally believe that they should not include religious priests in the inauguration processions, because that in my opinion makes the inauguration ceremony too much like a coronation.

p.s. While we are discussing racism I would recommend another article, "Would You Have Been A Nazi?" - This article discusses Milgram's average rate of obedience.

2. "Clara" [The New Yorker]

It is a short-story about love and life. Lately, I find myself wondering, what is that keeps people together? What is that makes us take the big leap, and decide, "Okay, you, right there, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I keep hearing that in life you don't get everything you want. Sometimes you have to meet destiny halfway. But, how about those who refuse to compromise, and persistently remain on their quest to find the right person? Are these the individuals who end up losing out in the end? And, those who are not really happy but still stick it out, are they smarter than the idealistic individuals, such as yours truly?

My biggest fear is settling down with someone who seems okay at first, but then things fall apart once the honeymoon period is over. Enter these 2 breakup songs: James Morrison ft. Nelly Furtado - Broken Strings and Gnarls Barkley - Going On. There are certain people who sound perfect in theory, but their personalities and values just don't mesh in the end. And, then there is the case where you meet the person, who has everything you ever wanted, but something is awry. I am starting to think that this relationship stuff is very complicated. People should either live alone. Or, when they get married their brains should be reprogrammed to fulfill each other's needs and wants.

Geez, when did this blog become so confessional! In my defence, I just got a "talk" for being too picky. My mom clearly took a page from Mama Bennet's 'How to successfully get your daughter married' book. I always believed that the only important thing a person should look for in a relationship is mutual respect and appreciation. But now I feel, respect and appreciation alone can only take you so far. I guess nobody understands this stuff, hence the abundance of movies and books addressing this subject. Theoretically we all know a successful relationship is based upon myriad factors. But it seems that when push comes to shove we are required to have a moment of solitude and decide what is important to us. Or, if some one's making you do that, and things don't flow and fit automatically, then you know it is not working. Right?!

3. "Horatio Alger Relocates to Mumbai Slum" [The Times]

This article is about 'Slumdog Millionaire'. The movie won the Globes last week, and has a strong chance of winning the Oscar. The million dollar (insert: embarrassed smile) is what makes this predictable fairytale story so exceptional? The writer here says, in Jamal the American audience sees Great Gatsby. It is the first movie out of India which is not about the exotic land or about the Indian singing and dancing ('Monsoon Wedding').

The movie for the first time shows:
"The arbitrary power of the police officer toward the citizen and the gangster toward the slum dweller. The schools where teachers throw books at students and lessons consist of choral echoing of the teacher’s words. The slum where cooking and child-rearing and defecation are semi-public activities, and where it would be hard to develop the mental independence to question an arranged marriage or abuse by the better-born."

But that is not it, it also reminds Americans of an important lesson of Collectivism, a cultural belief Indians hold very dear, and sometimes use to attack the West; but now trying to shed.

The movie works because:
"It is roots and linkages that many Indians now seek to shed, and many Americans now seek to reclaim. And that may be the silent allure of “Slumdog Millionaire.” It is a tribute to the irrepressible self, filmed in a society now realizing it has given the self too little, watched in a society now realizing it has given the self too much."

4. "One Day You're Indispensable, the Next Day..." [The Times]

"'Nobody is indispensable indefinitely,” said John Kao, a jazz musician and innovation consultant to corporations and governments. “The ‘great man’ theory does hold water, but mainly at times of transition when a charismatic leader lends what psychologists would call an individual’s ego strengths to the organization or country as a whole, to allow it to regroup and move forward.'"

This article, ponders over Steve Jobs's indispensability, and what the future of Apple would look like in his absence. Resisting the urge to mention any of Bart Simpsons jokes I have already mentioned here, in the past.

This article about indispensability makes me wonder, how Obama would be tested. Bush in his last interviews has said that only time would be able to judge his 8 years objectively. The article also mentions that in 1930s Churchill seemed indispensable, but by the end of his term in 1935 that was clearly not the case. On Tuesday, new era would be sworn in. I have doubts and my share of skepticism, but you cannot really go wrong with hope, eh? Maybe I wouldn't mind dating an American guy after all ;). Only if Obama knew, how happy he is making the North American-South Asian community :).

N.B. I have included pictures, I took on this beautiful Snowy Sunday.

Plugging Little Mosque

You know the rishta (arranged marriage) stuff is getting to you, when you start dreaming about potential guys before you have even met them.

This morning after eating sehri (early morning breakfast that Muslims eat in the month of Ramadan, when they are fasting from sunrise to sunset), when I fell back into deep slumber, I had a dream about this new rishta (suitor) who has come knocking at my door. Yes, prince charming may not come anymore, but creepy rishta dudes are very persistent. Since I had to postpone my trip to Nepal, turns out in my dream, I am boycotting this rishta dude, and I refuse to go downstairs to the living room to meet him and his family. So my parents send him up to my room. Don't worry the dream is very PG. I get mad at him, asking what he is doing in my room, as I don't even have my hijab on, and ask him to leave (apparently my subconscious ripped this dream off Little Mosque, the part where Amaar ends up seeing Rayyan without the hijab, scandalous eh?). But, the guy tells me that he just wants to be my friend. Yes, sadly even the guys in my dream are very cheesy. Anyways, in order to make sure I would call him back, the guy steals my first year calculus textbook, which for some reason is still sitting on my desk. The dream me is thinking that now she has to call this guy to get her calc book back. I have always loved calculus, but I never knew it would take a raggedy old calc textbook, to get me to call a guy.

Point of this dream, as Dr. Freud would say, I have unresolved feelings towards calculus. My first year prof should have given me my 4.0.

p.s. Forget flowers, bring me a calc textbook.