Saturday, April 11, 2009

Running To Stand Still

There are two reasons why I am so impatient about finding the one.

One, I feel the longer it takes me to find him, the fewer years we will have together. I don't want us to only have 40 to 50 years together. I am greedy. I want more than that. I want as many years/decades as we can possibly get together.

Two, I have been wanting to have kids since high school.

I don't know about you, but I am still of the opinion that love is, and should be simple. You meet the person. You fall in love. You get married. Maybe this makes me naive, and/or very old school. My best friend thinks you need a good story for your kids, and grandkids. Just saying, "you met, and fell in love" does not sound exciting.

But, I find myself getting drawn to the simplicity of love. No drama. No stupid chase. Just simple, upfront, blunt love.

Charles Darwin made a list of the reasons why he should and shouldn't marry his wife. Ross, on "Friends", did something similar, and almost lost Rachel because of it. I also have a table with columns and everything consisting of guys I have encountered, and the reasons why it didn't work out. My best friend suggested that the list would provide me with some sort of perspective about what is that I am actually looking for. Plus, she suggested that when I finally meet the guy I can show the list to him, and it would provide him an ego boost, which, trust me, he would need after marrying me.

But, I guess the hard part is recognizing "the one" when he finally does show up. Scientists say the trick is not to be fooled by the surging dopamine levels, and instead let oxytocin do all the deciding. Dopamine is a feel good hormone which causes a heightened response to the outside world. You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you get the butterflies? Well, all of that happens because of dopamine. The initial infatuation is also due to dopamine.

Whereas, oxytocin, which is also called the love hormone, is a good marker of our true everlasting feelings. It is released when the mothers and babies first bond. It is also found during intense emotional situations. It increases intimacy, and helps in building trust. It is released when a couple eats together, and looks into each other's eyes. No wonder, Picasso never neglected to draw a woman's eyes.

So, I guess, dopamine is necessary for building chemistry and the initial attraction, but oxytocin is what we need to form an everlasting bond. I don't know if this discussion of the two hormones contradicts my theory about love being simple. Or, should we wait for dopamine to wear-off so oxytocin can do its magic? Or, when I look out my window at the beautiful full moon, and think that it would be nice to share the beauty with the one; does this wish have anything to do with either of the two hormones? Or, is it just me being a sad insomniac?


Maria Sondule said...

I often think that it's so lucky that things happened when they did, because those things, which seemed painful, caused better things to happen in the end.
I'm sure that fate will put you and "the one" in the same room together at exactly the right time to make those chemicals act in just the right way.
Or maybe you've already met him, but you need to see him in a different light.

Kia said...

I think it varies. Most people say "you just know" but I don't think that's always true, at least not straight away. The first time I fell in love, it took me a long time to realise (six months just to say yes to a date) whereas the second time, it was almost instantaneous (I'm guessing dopamine instead of oxytocin).

On the earlier note, I think people overcomplicate love but even without that, it is rarely simple.

Zany said...


I also believe in fate and things falling into pieces. But, I guess, sometimes I get anxious and confused.


I agree with you completely. I guess, there is no fixed chemical formula when it comes to these things.